“Momoring.”
I heard her call me. But it wasn’t the person I wanted to hear it from — the person who gave me that nickname.
“Momoring?” Of course, I heard her the first time. But the momentary flashback of memories froze me.
“Hm?” I replied, and saw her familiar worrying look focused on me. She’s been like this ever since, but recently, I feel like it’s getting heavier.
I was sitting on the couch, and she was leaning on the kitchen countertop, looking at me from the other side. It was technically my place. When we moved to Korea, we rented our own apartments in the hopes of finding her sister. Sana, on the other hand, spent more time here.
She appeared to be debating whether or not to tell me something, but she eventually settled on "Nothing. You've been unusually quiet."
A small smile. It didn’t reach her eyes. She wanted to say something again, but dismissed it with another deep sigh, leaving all the unspoken words a mystery.
It was difficult for me for several reasons, one of which was the fact that she is my best friend. Since the beginning, Sana had been a pillar of strength for me, and seeing her burdened by her inner demons hurt.
Another one is that I'm a little embarrassed to have earned my license as a therapist yet still find it difficult to process this with her. I know my profession isn't some kind of magical voodoo that drives personal monsters away, but it was still frustrating and made me wish I had that kind of superpower.
Moreover, I found it difficult because I felt like I knew the answer to what was bothering her, but I wouldn't know how to deal with it so I was kind of afraid to dig deeper.
Instead of telling me what was going on in her mind, Sana sat beside me on the couch, interlaced her arm around mine, and rested her head on my shoulder.
Her love language is physical touch. I can cook for my best friend or say encouraging words, but I've long learned that some form of skinship works best for her. So I took my arm away and wrapped it around her shoulders instead, drawing her closer to me. It was all I could do to calm whatever storm was brewing inside her head.
We decided to move to Korea to continue our search for Mina. It had been three years since she left, and we had exhausted all of our resources in trying to locate her. Of course, the Minatozaki family has more connections, but since their father disowned Mina, asking for his assistance would be counterproductive.
I looked down at Sana as she comfortably leaned on me. She was staring ahead, just right above the refrigerator, where a flower with sunglasses carrying a guitar stood. I’m pretty sure she wasn’t staring because she was simply taken away by the beauty of that novelty item.
I wanted really bad to know what she was thinking; for this high-pitched chatterbox to shut up in long intervals, there is usually something bothering her.
Opening my mouth to ask what’s up, I heard a tiny snore. Okay, so she was just sleepy. Facepalm moment but I decided to aim the palm on Sana's head, effectively waking her up.
“Ow!” she exclaimed.
“Wake up, pillow princess. I was waiting for us to eat since you said you’d prepare food, but you go ahead and sleep? Such betrayal.”
“Pillow prin—” she looked at me incredulously then burst out laughing. “Momo, please tell me what you think that means!”
It was then my turn to look at her incredulously, “Duh! Pillow princess: Someone who likes sleeping so much on a pillow, of course! Like, someone who likes strawberries so much would be called a strawberry princess.”
“I’m not even going to tell you what it properly means. I just don’t have the heart to shatter your innocence.” she continued her laughing spree.
I was mildly annoyed but I suspected it was more because I was hungry. To change the topic I just said, “So where is the food?”
After her fits of laughter subsided, she countered, “I said I’ll prepare. But the food I ordered is not here yet. I'll prepare it by getting the table ready. Stop looking daggers at me!” she chuckled. “I ordered jokbal.” She added to appease me, wiggling her eyebrows, knowing it was my number 1 food.
She smiled her easy smile but yet again, it didn’t reach her eyes. I took my chance now that she’s wide awake. “What’s up? What’s with the sad eyes?”
“Excuse me, they’re not sad. And I’m not.”
“Come on. I know you.” I prodded.
“Really, it’s nothing.”
“You know it also makes me sad whenever I see you like this and I can’t do anything, right?” I said, and as she tried to get up from the couch, I pulled her back.
Sana is the type of person who feels more alienated when she is distressed and you put physical distance between you and her. If I let her step away, I won't be able to make her open up now. She'll remain silent. And if she's the one making the move to create some space, it only means she's trying to avoid discussing it.
It might have been easier to just leave her to her own thoughts, but she’s been like this recently. I need to do something. If only I could do something.
I looked into her eyes to try and discern what she was feeling, but there was something unfamiliar there that I hadn't seen before. I held her arm and we sat there looking at each other.
“I just feel… a bit lonely.” she finally said.
“But I’m here!” I said. She looked down, her eyes now with unmasked sadness.
Sana is all I have now. She had been the friend that saved me from myself before. The friend that introduced me to the side of me I wasn’t well-acquainted with. The best friend that stood beside me no matter what. The person that introduced me to the love of my life: Mina.
It pains me to see this new side of her. One that hides. One that shies away from pouring her heart out to me. I’m not used to it.
I want to be the one to help her through it, as selfish as it may sound because she had helped me countless times before.
I cupped her chin and tilted it upwards, willing her to look back up to me.
“I’m here. What’s happening? Talk to me, please.” I said softly.
“I said I feel lonely.”
“I heard you. And it’s okay to feel like that every once in a while, but what’s making you feel this way?” I prompted.
“I don’t know, really. I just feel like that. Like I’m all alone.” she began. “I know I have you. I do. But it's not the same as when someone actually chooses you.”
I didn’t understand. I just sat there looking at her, waiting for her to say more. She seemed to notice my puzzled expression, so she continued:
“I know we came to Korea to look for my sister. But she appears to have moved on with her life. She's so determined to hide and cut us out of her life — to cut me out of her life.”
Everything came pouring out. It was overwhelming. It was disorienting. But I held her hand and let her speak.
“It’s been three years. I haven’t and would never move on from my little sister, but how could she? Was it that easy for her to let go of me?" Sana went on. “Three years and you’re still looking for her. Is it that hard after all these years —” she looked me straight in the eye, “Is it that hard to just choose me?”
Then I understood. She must have noticed the realization that was finally sinking in. She tried to pull her hand away from mine, but I couldn't let her go.
I can’t let her take that one step away from me.
Not her.
Not my best friend.
So instead, I pulled her in even more. I can’t let her spend another second feeling that she’s lonely. That she’s not worth it. That she’s not enough. I’ve been there and this beautiful person once saved me from all of it.
I can’t be the reason for my savior to feel the things that used to hurt me.
So I hugged her tight. I wanted to hug all the loneliness away, but I knew it wasn’t enough. I felt the pain. Her tears flowed freely, searing my shoulder.
I can’t be the reason for your pain.
We both jumped when the doorbell rang. Sana took advantage of the opportunity to detach herself from me and went to get the door.
“Food has arrived.” She said it with a shaky smile and tear-stained face. She quickly wiped her cheeks.
I stood up and went to the kitchen island, where I sat on a stool, silently watching her prepare the food. I was trying to come up with something to say but couldn't.
Part of me felt shame. Shame for unconsciously hurting her. Part of me searched deep as what she said made sense… Why was I still looking for a person that’s painstakingly making it impossible to be found?
I sat there watching Sana do what I'd seen her do hundreds of times before: prepare food for the two of us. Not just any food, but my particular favorite.
I became hyper-aware of everything she was doing and involuntarily racked my brains for everything she had done, making me feel even more ashamed.
She always chose my favorite food when ordering. She always chose my favorite coffee shop when we hang out. My favorite TV show when we stay in. She always wore my favorite scent since I fake-gag at her own choice of perfume. She always chose what was best for me.
When did you start choosing me?
We ate quietly. I didn't want the air between us to remain charged after the food had been consumed, so I searched within myself for words to say.
“I want you to know you’re my jokbal. You will always be my favorite. Always have been.” I finally said as I helped clear the plates.
There was a ghost of her usual genuine smile. “That’s cute, Momoring.”
I moved back to the couch and she handed me a can of beer. Another one of my preferences. I liked downing a can of beer or two after eating jokbal.
Sana was in the act of turning on the TV, one of our daily routines, so we can watch a show that was yet again something more of my taste. I stopped her hand holding the remote control halfway.
I couldn't let us slip back into our old routine like that. I couldn't let her continue to feel the way she does now that I know I'm a part of what's hurting her.
“Look at me,” I said.
I couldn't come up with anything to say.
It happened as I opened my mouth to at least apologize for not noticing a lot of things.
Sana leaned in closer and got rid of whatever small space was left between our lips.
How do I choose you?
I tasted the beer.
I tasted fear.
I tasted courage.
I tasted hope.
I tasted love.
Then I tasted her tears.
Sana kissed me gently like she was doing calligraphy; spelling words on my lips that read of all the promises she couldn’t say but will still keep.
She kissed me deep and true, guiding me into this unbound universe that tasted like a world for just us two.
She kissed me, and I kissed back. I pulled her closer still, wanting to return all the missed moments when I could have given her warmth. When I shouldn’t have left her out in the cold. I wanted her to feel all that she deserved.
How do I choose you?
Sana pulled back and I opened my eyes. I saw her smiling lightly at me as she softly searched my face as if daring me to run. But I held her gaze and held her hand.
That night, we both shed colorless tears as our lips danced as one. But each teardrop burst like rainbows, painting an abstract picture that none of us could clearly define.
-
I hardly slept a wink that night.
As is common practice, Sana slept over. I held her until she fell asleep and my left arm followed suit. I slowly retrieved my arm from beneath her head and massaged it lightly, waiting for the numbness to go away. Unfortunately, I couldn't do that to the numbness I was experiencing on the inside.
Everything Sana had said earlier that evening felt surreal to me.
Sana led me to the bed after our kiss, and she curled up beside me, using my arm as a pillow. It felt completely natural. It felt warm. It felt welcome. But it felt exactly the same as it had before.
I know the universe shifted that night. Giving room to the possibility of two stars colliding, either to give birth to one glorious new star, or create destruction after impact only to drift away in bits and pieces.
But I have wished on countless shooting stars already for the endgame I’ve always prayed for. Was I not heard? I’m pretty sure each time, I spoke the name clearly: Mina.
So why did everything Sana said make sense no matter how hard I think about it, yet feel so wrong when I use my heart to search deeper? Do I still look for the one that has been long gone, when right in front of me is a new promise of tomorrow?
How do I choose you?
📌
🎵
When your hand's in mine
It's like I'm whole again, isn't that a sign?
I should speak my mind
I've said those words before but it was a lie
And you deserve to hear them a thousand times
If all it is is eight letters
Why is it so hard to say?
🎵
Nakakagaan ng pakiramdam this chapter❤
ReplyDeleteAww. Thank you. 🥺 I wanted to give justice kasi sa kung paano pag-process ni Momo nung situation. 'Yun lang, I think it will get messier sa next chapter lalo na may idea naman tayo saan papunta talaga ito. 😅
DeleteHi author, just want to say that this is written so good. Hope you write more of Momo's POV when she met Mina again. I want to know her perspective. ���� Thankiess
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it! I'll try to do my best in giving Momo's POV, and hopefully Sana's too.
DeleteThanks again and I hope you keep on reading up until the end. ^_^
You're an amazing writer! Went here cause I follow you on tiktok. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI hope the world get to have more of you ppl. Maybe then more aspiring writers like me would feel more welcomed and empowered.
DeleteI appreciate this. Thanks a lot!